Keith's Complete Waste of Time » Web Places

My fitbit review

keith — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:53:33 +0000

I ordered a fitbit a long time ago, and they finally shipped a few weeks back to their first customers, including me. My capsule thoughts on the pros and cons of this thing

Pro:

Keeps track of actual times I exercised and walked around, with more info than a “steps this day” thing
Uploaded data to their website wirelessly so I didn’t have to remember to check and record each day how much I did
Pretty graphs on the website

Cons:

Tiny and easy to lose about 10 days after you pay $99 for it.

Sigh. Don’t know if it’s worth spending another $99 to get a second one.

-Keith

Proposition 8, and what to do

keith — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:56:27 +0000

Although it’s two months since the November 2008 election that passed Proposition 8 in California, it’s still rather big news, or at least it still makes the news with fair regularity. It’s roiled a couple mailing lists I’m on, still has public protests, sparked complains about the influence of the Mormon church ( and out of state residents contributions to a California initiative ), and has led to the creation of a number of websites which display and track the donations to the pro Proposition 8 folks. For example, yesterday I heard about www.eightmaps.com, which shows the amounts and addresses on a Google map of everyone who donated to the Yes on 8 campaign.

So, when I found the site, I was of course curious which, if any, of my neighbors had contributed to the yes campaign. We had a no on 8 sign in our window for the month or so before the election, and didn’t see any yes on 8 signs in my immediate neighborhood, but I do remember driving past them to and from work, and eightmaps.com did show me that some folks near where I live had contributed. I’ve heard a couple folks on the radio talking about places where this information is available, and that it has led to harassment of people and some folks have resigned from their jobs after their donations were revealed.

Which leads to my real point, which is now that I have this information, what do I do with it? I didn’t recognize anyone that I know, which I suppose makes things a bit easier, but there are thing there. The nVidia executive who donated $10,000 — I’ve bought nVidia video cards for my computer before, but maybe next time I’ll think more about ATI. Of course, I don’t really know how many donations any ATI executives may have made, and they’re big companies, so it may not be quite as cut and dried as that.

But, what if I found my dentist there — not that I have, but what if? He’s a nice guy, and a good dentist, but he does own his own practice, and I’d hate to think that he is using the money I pay for teeth cleanings to deny my fellow citizens their rights. There are a lot of dentists in the valley, and I’m sure a lot of them are good ones. I could find another dentist if I needed to.

And that’s what I’ll do. I’m not going to go out of my way, but if I find out that the folks at my favorite restaurant were big donors, well, I guess I can find another place to eat, because there are a lot of restaurants and many of them have good food. If the manager at my auto repair shop chipped in $500, well, I like him but I’ll miss him. Years ago, I found out that Orson Scott Card, a science fiction writer of some acclaim, was a pretty virulent homophobe. I haven’t bought or read his books since, because I don’t want to be giving money to, well, to a troglodyte. There are plenty of good science fiction writers out there, and the sooner the world says “you are dead to us because, even though your books may be good, you yourself are a horrible person” the better off we’ll be.

Amazingly, I got polled for my opinion on

keith — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 05:04:12 +0000

local, Santa Clara City Council elections and who I’d be voting for. Other than an initial “Do you work for a radio or television station?” ( which, by the way, who cares considering the questions they then asked ), it was basically “Who do you expect to vote for in this city council seat: Seat 3: Will or Mario or Mary, Seat 4: Kevin, Seat 6: Jamie or Brian, Seat 7: Jamie or Ciaran or Chuck? ( City Clerk & Police Chief weren’t in the poll, although both Rod and Steve are running unopposed )

And, I’m not going to tell you who I answered, other than to say “Kevin” for seat 4 since he was the only choice in their survey ( apparently, Karen as a write-in doesn’t rate as poll-worthy ). They also asked two questions, vaguely about the two “big” issues in the campaign, namely whether the city should look at a stadium and what the city should do about the Kaiser site development. I couldn’t answer anything about the second question, since it will eventually come before the Planning Commission.

And, the reason this is at all blog-entry worthy at all, other than my sheer amazement that someone is doing local, city-council level polling, was that the nice woman doing the survey had almost no idea how to pronounce anyone’s names, and she kept calling it “Santa Clarita”. After we were done I asked her a couple questions about how many calls she was making, and how it seemed to be going ( apparently lots of people just don’t know who they’re going to vote for ), and told her how to pronounce everyone’s names. Except Ciaran, since I have no idea how to pronounce that one.

I got interviewed on the “radio”!

keith — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 02:20:33 +0000

As many of you know, I’m spending stupid amounts of time on one of my gag websites, Penis Reduction Pills I started it last year partly to learn how to use a new web content system ( Joomla ), which we wanted to put up for Loretta’s tv show site, and I also thought that I could have fun with a somewhat extended joke, as well as play around with stuff like internet advertising and “marketing”, which I have no real exposure to in my day to day life.

One cool thing is that every once in a while folks contact me and really get the joke, and want to share it themselves with folks. I’ve had people email me and say that they saw my ad somewhere, and want to write about it on their blog, or they just link to me in a post on their site. And, in those cases where it’s been a site linking to me in a language other than English, I get to have fun using Google to translate it back into English and then laugh at the wacky words and ideas that seemingly are expressed.

I got such a email a couple months back, from Nerraux with The Awful Show, which is a “radio” show that tapes every week and mostly plays on the “interwebs”. I listened to a couple of their shows, and appeared on their latest show, episode 116. I suspect they get a lot of their listeners via iTunes or a later podcast-type download, but they also have a bunch of folks listening to them do the show live every week, which is pretty brave — I’d never try to do Keith Explains! live ( except for the friends in the audience ), mostly because I think half the humor is the stuff I think of to put up in the subtitles and images as the show goes by, and it always takes a couple hours for me to think of enough funny stuff to pep up the 28 minutes of talking I do each time.

Anyway, I had fun. If you just want to listen to just my part, it’s here and about 20 minutes or so in length. Hearing it again, and even while I was doing it, I can think of so many “better” things I could have said in most cases, and sometimes it was hard to break into the conversation because they all know each other and know when to chime in and make jokes about things. Twenty minutes goes by really fast, much faster than it seems when I’m taping Keith Explains. It’s probably because on my show I’m really only playing off myself — as I say things, I also think of stuff I can put up as text later, and so I leave “space” for it, but when other folks are involved everything goes by a lot faster. I had the same thoughts after I was on Sebastian in the Morning earlier this summer. But, as I said, I had fun and they say they did too, so everyone’s happy.

So, I suspect if I get another 30 or 40 tries, I could finally get this thing right.

Another product that should exist, and now does!

keith — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:31:06 +0000

A couple of us were talking the other day at lunch over a predicament another friend found himself in, after an evening of drinking and heading home with a new girl he’d met at the bar. The next morning was, well, somewhat uncomfortable.

So, to address this, we thought of a product that should exist, and probably does, but we’re too lazy to google and find it so we made it up ourselves. Yours for $9.99!

A question…

keith — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:10:34 +0000

So, I’m riding home last night after Apple’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference, where I was speaking and talking with developers, and I had a thought:

If, say, a married guy with two kids ( one boy, one girl, both cute as a button ) comes here from Texas and falls in love with another dude, and gets a quickie marriage, is he a bigamist in Texas?

Even though Texas doesn’t recognize the gay marriage?

Obviously, I have too much time on my hands.

I’m going to take this as an endorsement

keith — Wed, 14 May 2008 19:21:46 +0000

As most of you know, I’ve gone into the fake pills business, because I’m not sure this “being a highly paid” engineer thing is panning out. Instead, this being the land of opportunity, I’m going to try to get rich selling sugar pills to gullible folks or folks who are really smart and get the joke. Since most celebrities don’t fall into the latter group, but have advisors who do, I’ve had trouble lining up celebrity-type endorsers.
However, I’ve been sending them out to various folks to try to interest them. Back in March, after I saw Stephen Colbert talk about how he had a huge set of cahones, I knew he could use a dose of my product, so I sent him a set. Totally free, because I care about people on television whom I have never met.
????????????

Then, anxiously waiting for it to get delivered. For a while I was afraid I’d sent it to the wrong address, but eventually someone did pick it up…

Now, go take a look at this clip from the Stephen Colbert show, Tuesday May 13th. In particular, pay attention around the 3:00 minute mark.

????????

See! He got my product and he’s been using it! I’m so happy!

The new store is now open for business…

keith — Wed, 14 May 2008 04:44:49 +0000

Back in January, I opened the finest store on the internet selling penis reduction placebos, at www.PenisReductionPills.com. In the months since then, well, sales have been better than zero, but I’m not a millionaire yet.

Since I’m running out of jokes about penis reduction, and still have lots of little bottles in my house, and mostly because I’ve apparently got way too much free time on my hand, I’m please to open an ever newer store, at www.PlacebosAreUs.com. There, I’m happy to say that I have the finest placebos available on the market, addressing some of the concerns of our modern lives.

Advertising the new business venture

keith — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 03:15:11 +0000

Well, I’ve been in business for a month, and I’m proud to say that sales are strong. Well, maybe not strong, but not anemic. Well, not anemic, but, um, well, there’s room for improvement. Let’s just say that sales can really only go up, because if they went down then we wouldn’t call them sales anymore, we’d call them no sales.

Ok. So, I sold one. That’s what I’m saying. Not bad for the first three weeks, but, again — room for improvement.

Thus, I remember my “how to be a millionaire” class, and say “Hey — I’ve got to get some eyeballs on my website so I can make sales.” And, how to get eyeballs on the site? That’s right. I’m buying ads for it.

Well, trying to. Here’s the funny thing. The places I try to buy ads all don’t want my money. They’re like “Um, I don’t think we can take your ad for a placebo that reduces the size of the penis, because, well, ick.” And stuff like that. Google, worth like a trillion dollars? Won’t take it for the content network; will take it for the “text ads” network, but only when folks search for specific things. Try it out — go to Google, and search for “Penis Reduction“. Odds are I’m the only “sponsored ad”. Don’t click on the link, though, because you’ll cost me 50¢ or something. Instead, go to my site direct — Penis Reduction Pills.com. Then, buy something.

Oh, and Yahoo? Couldn’t figure out how to place an ad. I’ve only got a Masters of Science, so I guess that’s expected, because as near as I can tell they don’t actually want my money because I can’t see how I buy ads on their network, assuming they even have an ad network. Plus, I’d just be giving money to Microsoft, and I hate that.

So, I thought — Facebook. Yea. That’s filled with college students, and recent graduates, and they’ve mostly got senses of humor and disposable income. Nope. Facebook doesn’t want the ad. “Adult content”, I think, since I’ve had no luck figuring out what particular bit of their rules I’m tripping over. Their site is fine for pictures of skantily clad, underage, drunken college students bragging about their recent “scores”, but an ad for a penis reducing placebo? Not appropriate. sigh ( Oh, and if you’re on Facebook, join my fan club!

My biggest success was when Dave Barry linked to my site from his blog, which got me a metric buttload of hits — about 3,000, all told, which was about 3,000 more than I normally have. Woo! Success! Boo! Nobody thought to buy them. On the plus side, I sent a box out to Dave ( because I’ve always loved his writing and such ), and when it arrived his assistant posted to the blog showing his mailbox, and said that Dave was quite amused by it. So, I amused Dave Barry, however briefly, so I can die happy.

One thing that I’m sure is going to pay off is buying an ad on the Million Zimbabwe Dollar Home Page. I bought 9,000 pixels, which cost me ( I think ) 9 billion Zimbabwe dollars, which I think was around 40¢. I’m sure that it is going to pay off big. Go there and take a look at the ad!

Got an idea for what else I should do? Right now, my plan to make huge piles of cash with this is looking kind of broken. Given that it appears I’m willing to throw cash down this hole until it’s full, what next?

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT: My latest business venture…

keith — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 02:00:04 +0000

I know there’s been a lot of excitement in the Macintosh developer community lately, as long time Apple employees have left the company to go into business for themselves as independent Macintosh developers. Daniel Jalkut, who I worked with at Apple many years back, has blogging for much of the last year about his experiences and thoughts on being a small Macintosh developer. Jens Alfke, whose office at Apple was down the hall and around the corner from mine recently announced he was “going indie”, and in the process prompted much discussion about the future of Apple and independent development. And, most recently, Peter Bierman, who also recently had moved his office at Apple into the same building as I’m in, announced that he was leaving and going into business for himself as an independent developer.

(Come to think of it, Daniel worked in the same building and just down the hall from me when he left Apple. I suppose I shouldn’t exclude the possibility that I am causing people realize that they can do better on the outside and leave Apple. Hmmmmm…)

Anyway, I’ve given things a lot of thought, and I’m pleased to announce that I too am starting up a business of my own, and not leaving Apple to do it, because I would be horrible as an independent developer. Instead, I’ve looked around at all the business opportunities out there, and decided to go into what I think is the growth industry of today, an industry which has some seasoned competitors but in which I think I can find a niche to grow.

Yes, that’s right, I’m entering the “male enhancement” pills industry. I’m proud to annouce that I am opening my new business, Penis Reduction Pills.com. Based on my extensive research, which mostly consisted of typing things into google, I believe that I am selling the first penis reducing placebos available on the market today, shipped to you in large boxes festooned with our logo in large type on all six sides, so that the world knows you’ve got a large johnson.

It’s ok; you can go click on that link. I’ll wait till you get back, then I’ll answer any questions you might have below.

So, that’s the big news. I have alerted all the major media outlets, and while most of them said “Keith who?” and “No thank you”, and ( in one rare case ) “Don’t make us renew that restraining order, Mr. Stattenfield”, it is possible that the lovely ladies on “The View” will be interviewing me next week about this. Personally, I’m thinking that Elizabeth and Whoopie will finally find something to agree on.

Now, answers to questions you likely have:
“Keith, are you serious? ”

Yes, totally. Sure, the site may read like it’s a huge joke. Sure, I’m selling a placebo in a box, which I ship to you, and I tell you it’s a placebo, and still think you’ll buy it, but I’m totally serious. I mean, if those Enzyte folks can sell a totally untested bunch of crap for $35/month ( wow! ), or ExtenZe can sell for $40 a month, then this is an industry that I should be a part of. And, at $15 for a month’s supply ( or, longer, if you just refill the bottle with your own candy once it’s empty ), I’m hugely cheaper.

“Um, really?”

Well, ok. Maybe it’s a bit of a joke. But, if you go ahead and click on that “Buy them!” and place an order, I will ship you your very own well-labeled box containing your very own bottle of penis reducing placebos. It’s just like with Mike Lee and saving the lemurs except there are no lemurs involved and the money doesn’t go to charity, and likely I’m going to lose money.

“And, you’re not leaving Apple, right?”

Correct. I love my job, and there’s no way I could ever make a living actually selling penis reducing pills on the internet. So, that whole thing above about “going indie” and everything else is just a pathetic attempt to garner some attention and publicity and love from everyone. Sorry.

“And, for those of you who are thinking ‘But, guys don’t want it smaller; they want it bigger’”

I understand; at first sometimes folks miss the joke. See, I’m not really selling anything that makes it smaller. I’m selling you something that doesn’t actually make it smaller, but which looks like you need to take something to make it smaller, so folks will think it’s huge and needs reducing.

Still don’t understand? Don’t worry. Your kids will explain the joke to you.

UPDATE: You can get a 15% discount on your order with the coupon code FIRST100, assuming you’re one of the first 100 orders to come in and use the coupon! Now pay even less for placebos!